Peanut Butter

A Chibi Tail

By Talon

Peanut butter. A common household staple. A favorite of children everywhere. The children in the Briefs/Vegeta/Son household were no different. The demi-Saiyjins went through a lot of peanut butter, and in general they weren’t too picky about how they got it, or what kind, just as long as it was always available. However, there was a certain little chibi who was a tiny bit obsessed and anal about his favorite sandwich spread. And that was Sage.

He had his own tub of peanut butter that was his and his alone. No one else ever used it. He only liked his peanut butter one way. Extra, super crunchy, on Grandma’s whole wheat homemade bread, cut thick, and slathered generously with grape jam, NOT jelly, jam, with chocolate milk. He was so anal about it, that at the age of two, he learned to make his sandwiches on his own, and refused thereafter to eat a pbj made by anyone else. Sage was generous with a lot of things, his toys, his book, his fathers’ attentions, but he was NOT generous with his peanut butter. Everyone knew this, and avoided his peanut butter as though it were infected with slugs. Until one day….

Four year old Sage came downstairs early one morning, still in his stolen slumber rumpled t-shirt (Tou’tan’s this time) rubbing the sleep from his eyes and intent on orange juice. The sight that met his eyes however wiped the thought of the refreshing morning beverage completely from his mind.

Yamcha, his mother’s on again, off again lover was leaning against the kitchen countertop eating toast with…HIS PEANUT BUTTER SPREAD ALL OVER IT!!!

“What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?” yelled Sage.

Yamcha jumped, then grinned at the furious chibi.

“Just having a little breakfast,” he began.

“That’s MY peanut butter,” said Sage in a dangerous voice.

Yamcha looked at the container of peanut butter. It looked like an ordinary tub of extra chunky peanut butter to him. He looked back at the seething chibi, and noted with some alarm that the child’s ki was rising.

“Hey kid, calm down. It’s just peanut butter.”

“It’s not just peanut butter,” said Sage quietly. “It’s MY peanut butter. Nobody but ME eats MY peanut butter. EVERYONE knows that.” He slowly advanced towards the scarred ningen, every step reminding Yamcha of who his father was.

“Look,” said Yamcha nervously but in what he hoped was a soothing, reasonable tone. “We can talk about this, can’t we? I mean, it’s peanut butter Sage, and I didn’t eat that much of it, there’s still lots left.”

Sage stopped his advance and looked at him as though he were completely stupid. “I told you, bakayaro, it is MY peanut butter. You ate MY peanut butter. You stuck YOUR knife in MY peanut butter and put it on TOAST.” He growled.

Shit. Yamcha recognized that look. He wasn’t around the boys very often, but he’d had enough contact with Vegeta to recognize the “wronged prince” glare. Sage resumed his slow advance towards him, and Yamcha desperately began to look for a way out.

Sage continued as though Yamcha hadn’t moved. “It’s simple. There’s family peanut butter, and there’s MY peanut butter. You’ve been around here long enough to know the difference ningen.”

That comment sparked Yamcha, and he suddenly realized he was being intimidated by a pre-schooler. “Knock it off Sage,” he said in a superior tone of voice. “Behave, before I tell your mother about how you’ve been acting.”

Sage glared at him. “You’re not going to be telling anyone anything,” and he did something that until that moment Yamcha had no idea he could do.

Upstairs, Goten and Trunks were wrestling their way out of bed, not noticing that their younger brother was gone when they suddenly felt an enormous upsurge in Sage’s ki. Puzzled, they both looked back in the bed. He wasn’t there. Down the hall, a door slammed, and heavy footfalls announced the movement of their fathers. The door opened, and Goku looked briefly around, then glancing back over his shoulder, they heard his voice saying, “He’s not in here Vegeta.”

“Well where the fuck…” began Vegeta’s voice, when there was a brief, quickly stifled yell, a door slamming and then silence.

Trunks and Goten looked at each other blankly, Goku withdrew from the room without another word. Footsteps sounded down the stairs, and Goten said, “What do you think just happened?”

“Felt like Sage got pissed off at something…or someone,” replied Trunks grinning. “Wonder who it was?”

“Guess we’ll find out at breakfast.”

Yamcha was missing at breakfast. There was a full-fledged interrogation going on as Bulma and Goku tried to make Sage tell what he had done with him. Sage simply sat in his chair, arms folded and glaring, refusing to say a word.

Trunks and Goten were unabashedly screaming with laughter, while Gohan tried to show some support for his father and Bulma’s authority, but wasn’t having much success as small, tightly suppressed snorts kept sounding from his direction. Vegeta simply sat, eating calmly, waiting for the tumult to die down.

“What did he do Sage,” asked Vegeta calmly when there was a lull in the shouting.

Sage scowled, if it were possible, even harder. “He ate my peanut butter Tou’tan.”

There was a collective gasp. Then, “That’s no excuse for going Super Saiyjin Sage,” said his bond-father firmly. “Now what did you do with him?”

Sage closed his jaws with an audible snap. He turned his sullen face away, lower lip stuck out obstinately.

Vegeta rose gracefully from his chair and faced his youngest offspring. “Sage,” he said quietly. “You will tell me right now what you have done with your mother’s boyfriend, and where he is. I understand that he made you angry, however that is no excuse for your behavior.” Sage looked at his father and muttered something so quietly that only Vegeta heard what he said. A slight spasm crossed the Saiyjin no Ouji’s face, as he struggled to suppress a grin. He turned and walked out the kitchen door to the yard, the rest of the family, minus Sage scrambling to follow him.

A few hundred yards out into the forest that bordered the Capsule Corp grounds on two sides, they came to a clearing with quite a lot of activity. There, nearly naked, and gagged, ki restrained upside down to a tree was Yamcha. He was covered from hair to feet in peanut butter, and the birds, squirrels and raccoons were having an absolute feast. Everyone just stared at the scene for a moment, then despite the best intentions, the clearing rang with screams of hilarity. Luckily for Yamcha, that scared off the wildlife. Unfortunately for him, the only person not on the ground laughing wasn’t inclined to help him out of his rather compromising position. Vegeta merely stood there, smirking then turned and walked back to CC, to privately congratulate his son before handing down his punishment.

The end