Point D’Arrêt (Breaking Point) Chapter 1: Musings
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Never in my life had I ever had a reason for living, for being. I simply was. I lived, breathed, was beaten, was cursed. Truely cursed. The damned rosery that hangs on my wrist is proof of this. I am cursed by the form of a disgusting creature and a stink that makes death smell beautiful. With a temper that rises beyond the one I possess already. My curse. I hold it close to my heart, for it is a warning of what could be...

I admit, I have not had it as bad as my cherished one, the one that effects me in the weirdest ways. No, I was not raped... only beaten. Beaten badly. I never let it get to me, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But he... He was broken and looks dead in his eyes. Seeing him with her, that beautiful girl who dwells in our house, I want to cry. He appears so happy. Those eyes of his, deep dark pools of emotion, sparkle with love and admirition. How I wish his love was for me. To be held by him, that is my greatest wish. I’ve always loved him, I’ve just never known how to handle it, which is why I lash out at him.

I try to love him with my all, and then he goes and says something that hurts... I want to hurt him for all that he’s said. I don’t put all my rage into my fists as I swing at him, I can’t hurt my precious light, the guiding light that keeps me safe from harm. Just focus on him and I will be fine. How I love him...

Living with him, I feel important. I feel that without me, without me as his constant, he would break down. I like believing that even if it isn’t true. Gods, if it’s not true let me not find out... If I were to find out, I think I would simply die. I need to know that I am needed in his life. I need him to need me. I need... to belong.

Even if for just one night, it would be nice... to be with him for one night.... As I sit here, on the roof with him, I stare up at the stars and wish that he was on top of me looking down at me. I wish that he would notice the small crystal tear that just slipped past the corner of my eye and kiss it away. But being this close, and not fighting... if this is all I get, then I accept it. I would rather have this than nothing.

I would rather have his hate than to receive no emotion from him at all, because at least that way he thinks about me at some point... even if it is about how to kill me. Being killed by him could prove to be romantic for me too... The look of anger, his hands around my throat, strangling the breath that has caught in my throat. My hands reaching to his wrist, not fighting him... If that were to happen... I could die happy. He touched me... for more than a second... Oh gods I would die happy......
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 - fin.